Mom: Go to your room! You never do what I ask!
Teenage daughter: Whatever! Stop yelling!
Mom: I’M NOT YELLING!
Everyone yells; everyone gets loud at times, either when happy or when pushed to the edge. While yelling often gets people’s attention and helps get the point across at times, frequent or consistent yelling, particularly as a child grows, can have damaging consequences. The following phenomenon can occur. A child gets a rush of adrenaline early on from the heightened emotions in the home. The child is ready to fight or flee. However, after a period of being berated with such adrenaline rushes from the same stimulus, a child can become numb. From the brain learning to cope or drown out stimuli that usually make people anxious, the child can develop a sense of apathy. Similar to a fire alarm going off all day, every day at work, the employees would learn to function without becoming startled, and when a real fire alarm is in order, then the employees’ bodies do not become appropriately startled or aroused to take action. Numbness can lead to thrill-seeking, cutting, or other self-injurious behaviors. This is not a road that parents want to take.
Benefits of Staying Calm
So what is a parent to do? Not get mad? Bottle your frustrations? Parenting strategies differ for each age group, but for all ages, using a calm, but serious voice that gets the point across about the consequences of their actions is an effective strategy. As parents, we are to discipline our children, which taken literally, comes from the same root for “to teach.” When we become angry with our children and notice that bodies are beginning to assume an aggressive demeanor, we should ask ourselves, “What do I want my child to learn in this scenario? Is teaching this lesson worth the relational and psychological hurt it may cause? Would the lesson I would like my child to learn make more impact if it was presented in a different way? How can I calm myself in order to teach my child self-control and problem-solving?” Once calm, a parent can often make an impact in teaching the child an appropriate less in a less damaging way.
For further aid in parenting approaches for calm parenting, check out the following: empoweringparents.com, 1-2-3 Magic, and Common Sense Parenting.
Does your family struggle with constant fighting? Contact us today– Crosswinds Family Counseling can help you and your family learn to communicate in a healthy way.