Written by: Jenna Garcia, Clinical Supervisor, Crosswinds Counseling
Do you find yourself mentally and emotionally exhausted at the end of the day? Not only are you physically doing a lot, but you’re also doing a mental workout each day as you carry the unseen burdens of your household. In many families, partners split household tasks more evenly than they used to. However, the planning, organizing, and managing of those tasks typically still falls on one partner. It’s not just about cooking dinner, it’s also about the meal planning, making of the grocery list, shopping, and timing activities before the meal can even be made.
Mental load is the anticipating, planning, organizing, and managing of the physical and emotional needs of your household. Many well-intended partners will say, “just ask me and I’ll do it”. While it’s nice to have the physical support, it’s also important to share the burden of the mental load. Carrying the weight of the mental load can lead to feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion, resentment towards your partner, and burnout on life. So, what do you do about it?
Step One- Talk to your partner! Most likely, this is not an intentional act to get out of responsibilities. Most likely, your partner doesn’t even realize the imbalance, which is part of the problem. Review each of your responsibilities and clarify how each task affects your physical and mental loads. Don’t just ask for help doing chores, ask your partner to take full responsibility of the task. For example, if your partner is going to get the kids ready for bed, not only are they responsible for the brushing of teeth, but they are also responsible for making sure there is enough toothpaste and ensuring more is bought before you run out.
Step Two- Allow your partner to do what they have said they are going to do. It will be easy to slip back into old habits, easy to pick up the slack to just get the task done. But this strategy doesn’t help your partner grow and it allows resentment to seep in. Point out when things are left undone in a clear, kind way. Review your plan and hold one another accountable until the task becomes a new, more helpful habit.
Step Three- Keep talking about it! Make time to reevaluate your physical and mental loads. As life changes, so does your capacity to do certain things. Your family’s needs will be different today than they are in a year than they are in five years. It’s important to continue talking about how responsibilities are divided and address imbalances as they arise. Remember, your partner wants you to feel supported, successful, and strong. Be partners.