Podcast Episode 35: Co-Parenting
Introduction:
Thanks for clicking on Conversations with Crosswinds Counseling. I’m Curtis Smith and I invite you to subscribe to our podcast and to like and share it as well. I hope you enjoy today’s episode.
Podcast #35:
Curtis: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Conversations with Crosswinds Counseling. I’m your host Curtis Smith. Joining us this week on the podcast is Jenna Garcia. Jenna is not only one of the fabulous counselors here at Crosswinds Counseling, she is also a clinical manager. Jenna, welcome.
Jenna: Thank you.
Curtis: This is not your first time. Welcome back, I should say.
Jenna: Yes.
Curtis: Yeah, we’re talking today about co-parenting.
Jenna: Yes.
Curtis: What does that term mean?
Jenna: Co-parenting is when two parents are raising a child together, but they’re not in a relationship together. So, it could be a divorce situation, separation, parents who were never married, something like that.
Curtis: And in our society, that’s quite prevalent I would assume. A lot of people are raising kids while not living together – not actively in a relationship together. So, what challenges are specific to co-parenting that maybe are unique versus parenting in a more traditional sense? Or maybe there are a lot of the same challenges. What does it look like?
Jenna: I think the biggest challenge is the parents’ relationship with each other. They often are on bad terms for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t love each other. They don’t – may not even like each other, and that can be really difficult when you’re trying to raise a child with someone that you don’t even really want to be around.
Curtis: Yeah. How does that impact the child too? I’m sure you’ve seen it in a variety of different ways, and I can imagine that some children adapt pretty well, and others do not like that Mom and Dad aren’t together, and ‘I don’t understand what’s happening here.’
Jenna: I think this is one of the most important points, children know what’s going on. They’re like little puppies. They can sense energy, and they know when something’s not right. And even if your child isn’t hearing you talk about things, they still know that something isn’t right between Mom and Dad, and they feel that energy between the two of you. Children also know inherently that they are half of their mom and half of their dad, and so if Mom is always saying negative things about Dad, that child knows inherently, ‘Well, that’s a piece of me. So if mom thinks negatively about Dad, what does that mean about me?’ And that can be really confusing.
Curtis: Wow. I had never thought about that. So how do you work through those issues? When you are working with a couple who’s co-parenting, I imagine it’s a good sign that they’re here in the first place.
Jenna: Right. Absolutely.
Curtis: They want to work on it. They want to get better. What would you do to work through some of these challenges with them?
Jenna: I think it’s so important for co-parents to focus on what they can agree on, and I hope that what they can agree on is what’s best for their child. They may not necessarily agree on what that thing is, but overall they both want what is best for that kiddo. So, things like not talking negatively about the other parent is so important. Having an agreement on discipline strategies, and even if it’s not the exact same at each household, having an understanding of here’s what we definitely don’t do, and here are the strategies that we typically rely on. So, coming to some sense of, ‘Okay, this is what’s best for our kid. We can both agree that that’s what’s important.
Curtis: How easy is that to get to?
Jenna: Yeah, it’s not.
Curtis: Yeah, it doesn’t sound always easy.
Jenna: Yeah. It’s not always easy. I think a couple of tips that are helpful – one is to try and set up some strategies from the beginning. So, from day one of a separation or of a divorce to say, ‘Here’s our plan for our kid.’ And really focus on that. Then, hopefully, you get to a point where you don’t even have to talk to your former partner anymore. You already have a rhythm and some things set in place. Of course, you want to talk as things come up and change, but if you can get some good structure in place, that daily or regular communication can become far less frequent. Which often helps the former couple have some time to repair those wounds for themselves.
Curtis: Something that strikes me is, you know, just – I have three kids. I am married to my wife, and we have been married the whole time that we had these kids, and now they’re adults. And, so looking back, I know as a parent, there’s a certain set of challenges when they’re zero to two, and then a new set of challenges when they’re three to five, and a new set when they go to school, and then a very new and different set when they become teenagers. And so, it’s a constant process of change just when you’re parenting. When you’re co-parenting, is it important to set some benchmarks? Maybe to look at time frames and say, ‘Here’s what we’re going to do, but we’re only going to do this while they’re in preschool or while they’re in through third grade.’ I’m making this up – or whatever, and then we need to reassess as they age and their needs change. How much of that goes into what a co-parenting situation looks like?
Jenna: Yeah, I think that’s definitely important. Looking at the developmental stages of your children, and then making changes as they progress through those phases so that might look like starting school, hitting puberty, getting a driver’s license, graduation, college – looking at those developmental milestones because the other important piece is that your kid is going to be reprocessing everything that they’ve gone through with your separation at each developmental stage. So, when they’re in kindergarten, they’re going to understand your separation in one way. Then, when they go to middle school they’re going to understand it through a whole new lens.
Curtis: Yeah.
Jenna: And every time they go through a developmental stage, they’re learning more and more about themselves, and about the world, and so they may have more questions, or a different understanding of why things are the way they are.
Curtis: Are there unique challenges that come with the structure of who is the guardian of the moment? What I’m thinking about is a lot of couples, I’m just making this up – the mom has the kid Monday through Friday, and then the dad has every other weekend, and or every weekend, and every other Wednesday night or whatever, and then there’s probably a thousand different iterations of that. So how much does the schedule play into how we’re going to co-parent together? Who gets to say what to you know at what time? It feels like that’s a big factor. How do you work through that factor of time and schedule in counseling?
Jenna: Well, the court is going to make those decisions in divorce situations. So, most of the time the court is going to say, ‘Here’s our general set of guidelines. This is we’re going to do.’ And then, of course, parents can give input and make changes based on their life, but no matter what the structure is, change is always hard. So even if it’s a very positive situation at Mom’s house, and a very positive situation at Dad’s – going from one home to the other is difficult for kids. Just that change in and of itself is hard. So, I always encourage parents to reestablish rules when the child comes back to your house, to have kind of a slow day that day. Not plan anything major so that the child can kind of settle into the routine and this structure at Mom’s house, or Dad’s house, or wherever they’re transitioning to.
Curtis: And that may be a good idea even as they become teenagers because it’s not like – for those of us in our 50s, change is still hard.
Jenna: Yes.
Curtis: Like change doesn’t ever get a whole lot easier even as we age. So, I assume kids, even as they age, probably need to find some sense of that peace and stability you’re talking about.
Jenna: And I think as children get older, of course visitation looks different, but if they’re allowed to go to Mom’s – to go to friend’s house when they’re staying with Mom, they should also be allowed to go visit their friends when they’re staying with Dad, and so, as they get older children have more and more autonomy, and so it’s important to honor that no matter which home they’re staying in at the moment.
Curtis: But that consistency, that uniform approach is the base of what good co-parenting looks like.
Jenna: Yeah. I think so.
Curtis: Awesome. Jenna, anything else you would say to anybody watching today who’s in a co-parenting situation, or fear that they might be soon.
Jenna: Yeah, I think remaining as neutral as possible with your child is so important. So rather than saying negative things which might help you feel better in the moment like, ‘Oh, I can’t believe your dad did that,’ maybe saying something like, ‘I’m so glad you had a fun time at Dad’s house this weekend.’ So, it can be helpful to find gratitude in those moments to say, ‘I know you didn’t get to spend a lot of time with your mom this weekend, but I’m so glad you got to stay with Grandma.’ You might be really frustrated that that happened, but this child is so excited that they got to spend time with Grandma. So, finding some gratitude and some neutrality in those moments can be really helpful when you’re feeling your own negative emotions flare up.
Curtis: Yeah, great tips for a situation that as I said at the beginning is quite prevalent in our world today, and people certainly have to work through that challenge. So, Jenna, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. Thank you for joining us today on Conversations with Crosswinds Counseling. If you would like to connect with one of the wonderful counselors here at Crosswinds you can go to crosswindscounseling.org, and we’ll see you next time on the podcast.
Outro:
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