Grieving Over the Holidays
Grieving the loss of a loved one is a deep and personal journey that is painful any time of year; however, since the holiday season is a month long it makes this time of year feel like it will never end.
Family gatherings may not be something you look forward to with the same level of anticipation as before. The holidays are filled with triggers — the empty chair at the table, remembering buying that special gift for that person, remembering hearing him/her laugh during family gatherings or feeling the comfort of their presence.
When coping with the loss of a loved one during the holidays, these are a few things to keep in mind:
Allow yourself to feel sad
When we let the pain happen, it fades more quickly. Often times, people may try to “put on a happy face” in order to get through the holidays. When you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, this makes the stress of the holidays even greater. If you need quiet time, take it. Give yourself permission to cry when you miss them.
Accept your feelings, whatever they may be
Grief is such a personal thing, some may feel sad but others may feel guilty for feeling joy after a loss. The grieving process looks different for everyone. If your path looks different than someone else’s, that is okay. There is no time limit on grief, it may take a short period of time for some but for others, it may be a lifelong journey. Accept that this is your own personal journey.
Initiate conversations about your loved one
Family members and friends are often reluctant to bring up the person’s name for fear that it may upset you. So, you may have to be the one to bring up the name and start talking about a favorite memory. It can be incredibly comforting to discuss mutual memories with family members. It may even help you see a moment of joy again.
Only do the traditions that feel right to you
Maybe this year, the idea of a big family gathering seems overwhelming to you. Perhaps meeting a few close family members or friends at a restaurant feels more manageable this year. Do not feel as if you must do things exactly the way they have been done in years past. Right now, you are vulnerable and all you need to focus on is getting through the day or the week. Try not to think too far beyond that.
Scale back
Maybe this year, the decorations can be minimal. Perhaps you try e-cards instead of the more time-consuming writing and mailing holiday greetings this year. You could even limit parties to small gatherings. Do what feels safe and comfortable to you. Create realistic expectations for yourself and for others and, most importantly, be gentle with yourself.
Do something to honor your loved one
When we are grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be helpful to begin a holiday ritual to acknowledge him/her. Here are a few ideas: light a candle for him/her, plant a tree, buy toys or books and donate them in his/her name, write a letter, display his/her picture, or place an item of his/hers in the holiday decorations.
Give
It is interesting how, in the depths of pain, some of the largest comforts can come from giving to others. While holiday shopping, seeing the perfect gift for someone you will never be able to give to them can be devastating. It may be a good time to do online shopping. One idea is to choose something that reminds you of your loved one and donate it to a needy family.
Seek professional help
A counselor can help guide you through your own personal grief journey in a healthy way.
Sources:
Goyer, A (2012). Dealing with grief during the holiday season. Retrieved from
https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-12-2012/death-loss-christmas-holidays-goyer.html
Gerner, M. (1990). The hope line. Retrieved from
http://www.havenofnova.org/articles/coping_with_the_holidays/holiday_message.pdf