In this often very materialistic American culture, we can fall prey to believing that possessions = happiness. Couple this with our children’s constant barrage of “I want” since the day they could put together a sentence, we feel as parents that because our child says that having item “x” will make them happy, that it actually will. The truth is, it won’t. After counseling for teens and families for most of my professional career, I have seen this play out. The absent parent feels that he/she needs to buy lots of gifts in order to make up for the wrongs of the past. A church or community member feels that buying lots of Christmas presents for a child “in need” will help make them happy. A teenager thinks that if only they could have the latest device/gadget/tablet/electronic thing, they will pole vault to the top of the popularity list.
I hate to break it to you folks, but it’s not that simple
Rather than a quick run to the store or shopping excursion online, what your teenager wants from you is you. Not presents, but your presence. There. For them. Without your own device/gadget/tablet/electronic thing stealing your attention. This might mean cheering on your son as you watch painfully from the stands while his baseball team gets run-ruled. Or standing for 2 hours in the rain while your daughter plays soccer. Or making the time to sit around at the dinner table and pry words from your teen’s mouth to describe his/her day. Even if you feel your time was worthless, please hear me when I say it’s not! If your teenager feels that he/she can count on you, that they can predict your response on something (even if it’s NO!), that on a crappy day in her teenager life she can talk with you, that he will see you in the crowd at his choir concert … this will make them feel loved. This will make them feel supported. And most importantly, this will make for an improved parent-teenager relationship. Did I say perfect? Not at all! But improved, yes!
Now go out there and sit at the event that matters to your teen, knowing for each second you are present, that’s your present!
Side note: Trouble starting conversations with your teen? A good friend and mentor of mine utilize “conversation starters,” which are cards that have questions on them that you can ask. Not questions about “how were school today” but questions like “What’s the best thing you ever waited for?” or “What was the best year of your life so far? Explain.” These both were taken from the tab of Conversation Starters: Ages 14 – 100, from The Family Dinner Project.