Would we be Better Parents Divorced?
Marriage is so difficult at times that it can begin to feel hopeless. It may have even felt that way for years. It can feel pretty lonely and disappointing to be in a marriage that has become so different than one had hoped. It can be easy to start to question everything. Some days the thoughts and emotions are more confident than others. It seems like one is constantly going back and forth. Some days it may be clear that separation is necessary but other days, one is not so sure it is the right decision. So, where does one go from there?
One thing should be clarified before going further: emotional and physical abuse is not healthy for anyone involved; whether the abuse is toward a spouse or toward the children, steps must be taken to keep everyone safe. Please seek help in this process as it is an extremely difficult decision and must be navigated carefully.
Areas of Life Affected by Divorce
In light of the intense pain and/or distance felt between partners, it may start to seem like divorce is the only option right now but many times couples do not consider the long-term consequences of divorce until afterward. Divorce will involve changes in the following areas including, but not limited to:
- Finances, family traditions, and lifestyle
- The amount of time spent with the children
- Children’s emotions-often sadness and anger surface
- Times of insecurity and even fear of the unknown
- Letting go of the spouse mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
Sometimes people say they want a divorce, but all they really want is for the pain they are feeling to end. Divorce is sometimes an effort to make the other person realize what he/she will miss, make the other person change, or right the wrongs that have yielded such hurt in the marriage. Perhaps there was infidelity or another betrayal or form of disrespect in the marriage. These wounds can leave such pain in their wake. Divorce does not have the power to change hearts or erase hurt, the only thing it can do is end a marriage. In fact, the hurt often multiplies and sometimes turns to an angrier, more competitive spirit. The hurt will still be there unless forgiveness takes place, regardless of whether or not the marriage stays together. One of the most difficult consequences of divorce is having to face other people’s pain, whether it be from the children, family, or friends because the decision to divorce affects so many people besides the couple. With so many lives impacted by the decision to end a marriage, is it worth a try to forgive while the marriage is still together and see what happens?
You Are Not Necessarily the Only One Affected, You Can Still Get Help
In terms of the children, the research shows that it is best for a child’s well-being if they grow up with a married mother and father; the exception to this is if there is emotional or physical abuse. Even if the marriage is less than perfect, staying together is better for the children than getting a divorce unless there is emotional or physical abuse. There have been many studies on adult children from divorced families that show this. Does that mean that parents are simply stuck in an unhappy marriage? It does not have to mean that. There are many resources to help build friendship, connection, and intimacy back into a marriage that feels hopeless. A good counselor can help you put the resources into practice in the marriage. In times of conflicting emotions, counselors can help the couple sort out feelings and thoughts and help them to come to a conclusion with which the couple can feel at peace.
Sources:
Maier, B. (n.d.). Dr. Bill Maier on divorce. Retrieved from Focus on the Family
Derman, B., & Gregson, W. (n.d.). Are you really ready for divorce? Eight questions you need to ask. Retrieved from Mediate