Trusting Your Teenager
When your teen has been the offending party that has damaged the trust, the responsibility for building the trust bridge again, rests with the parent. Teens do not have the skills or the experience to build this bridge themselves. It is learned through experience. They need a guide to do so. Remember, you are modeling the apology and trust rebuilding skills that they will need as adults and parents. You are actually helping your grandchildren before they are born! So there are two goals; trust and teaching relationship mending! What an opportunity to build into your teen!
Teens, like all human beings, have a conscience and a developing sense of right and wrong. They, like adults, have no felt need for change if they cannot get in touch with the pain in others, caused by their behavior. To get to the place where change is possible they must come to that place where they understand and have some degree of empathy for the injured party. To get to this place, the parent must communicate the reality of the pain, without laying a “guilt trip” on them. The words to avoid are “you!” and “made!” “You made me feel…!” is exactly what is to be avoided. What is more powerful, the maker or the made? Always the “maker” is the one with the power. Just objectively lay out the event or the series of events, explain the effects of those events and what you felt as a result of the events. Give them input at this point with questions like; “Is this what happened?” “Help me understand?” not “Did you do this?” Ask for clarification on the event(s) then sit back and listen. It may take several minutes of silence to get there, but invest the time. It is worth it.
Consequences and Lost Privileges
Explain the natural consequences of reduction of trust and the cost to the relationship. Allow them time to process the knowledge (may take a few minutes to several hours but never longer than a couple of days). Set a time for renewing the meeting then ask for a response, letting them know that it is vital for healing the relationship.
Consider carefully what privileges you can trust them with, in the “trust on credit” phase. Remove the privileges that you cannot trust them to handle successfully. Explain your desire to trust but emphasize that that trust has been broken. Explain to them clearly that as they begin to consistently display changed values through changed behavior that “trust on credit” will come. Also explain to them that to default on the “trust loan” will cause much longer damage to trust. Emphasize that trust or its opposite, distrust is earned through consistent behavior.
Reintroduce those lost privileges at the earliest possible point, having some confidence that your “trust loan” stands a good chance of making it. Without those privileges, they cannot turn your “trust loan” into earned trust.
Guidelines for Trust and Relationship Mending with your Teen
- Set a time when anger has cooled enough to discuss the matter fully.
- Set face to face meeting, with your head at the same level as their’s if possible.
- Set forth the event and your emotional response to it and your concerns for their future if such behavior continues. (Again, avoid using the words “you” and “made” as much as possible.)
- Give them an opportunity to discuss it from their point of view. They will give an explanation to get you to understand that they were partly right in what they did. Accept the fact that this requires maturity at an adult level and do not confront it at this time, accept any apology given at any level.
- Set the consequences at a reasonable level and explain the difference between earned trust and “trust on credit.”
- Communicate clearly your expectations and a reasonable time for the reintroduction of lost privileges.
- For severe trust destroying events or a repeated pattern of trust damaging events, a family contract may need to be put in place. Always include the teen in the contract process. Often they will make it much stronger that you would. Make two copies and have all parties sign both of them. Hold them to their word and teach the need to honor their name.
If these guidelines do not work, seek professional help from a trusted person.