My Child Won’t Go To School
To hear your child say “I don’t want to go to school” can be alarming but it seldom means just that. But the response to this sudden outburst will be different for every child. It will depend upon your child, upon what’s going on in his life, and upon you and what’s going on in yours. There usually is a need or worry not being met and a parent may have to play detective to figure out what is really going on.
Questions you may want to ask yourself before having a conversation with your child.
- How long has it been since school began? Many children take 6-8 weeks to get comfortable, adjust to school schedule, connect with new friends, and understand the teacher’s expectations. This transition needs time.
- Could it be something else besides school? Many times wanting to stay home can be connected to social adjustment with new friends, fears that the academics are too difficult or classroom expectations connected to good behavior.
- Does your child worry about being successful and independent with routine things? Many times simple routine things like bathroom responsibilities, eating lunch in a big lunchroom, making sure homework is taken home and bus rides seem simple chores to adults but can be stressful for a child. Fatigue can also be debilitating
- Are there changes in the home that would make a child want to stay home? Job changes, a new baby, Grandma having an extended visit or a sibling being sick can all contribute to wanting to stay home from school.
It is important for parents to take school attendance seriously. Missing valuable classroom instruction, catching up with classwork and being socially disconnected can all interfere with learning. If your child senses how much you value his education, he will also value it. The method for uncovering the reason for your child’s school refusal will be different in every case. However, what is the same is your child’s need to be heard, acknowledged, and understood. That can be the first step in solving the problem. When the child knows that his feelings and problems are real, he will be much more open to brainstorming about a solution.
- Have a conversation about what is happening at school. Be specific with your questions. Ask who their friends are they play with at recess, who do they sit by in class and who is their buddy at lunch. Many times a child will open up about social issues when they start naming and talking about their friends.
- Ask about favorite academic activities as well as art music and gym class. Sometimes a child hates leaving the security of their classroom. They cannot adjust to a new authority figure and miss their “homeroom” teacher. Frequently they feel inadequate or unsuccessful in the activities of those classes.
- Be conscious of the routine of how they arrive at school and how they return home. Ask about friends on a long bus rides, bus driver rules, or expectations of walking to and from their classroom.
- Engage your child in what they miss when they are at school. Let them know how important your job and home responsibilities are to you and how hard you work so you can have quality home at night. Explain that they may miss being at home but they also have a “job” to learn and do well at school just like your job away from or in the home.
- Don’t lecture or have a lengthy discussion and debate about school attendance. Any attention, even negative attention, can reinforce and maintain the problem. Although this is unsettling to see your child distressed remain calm and supportive but also firm about the importance of school.
- Know who your child’s school friends are and arrange play dates to see how your child interacts around other children. Have casual discussion with all the children at snack time or playtime to maybe gain insight into school activities and likes and dislikes.
Although this situation can be unsettling to see your child distressed about attending school, be supportive while remaining firm. One important aspect of school is creating a place where your child will mature and become independent. School is also where they learn intellectually, as well as develop socially and emotionally. Hopefully these suggestions will help your child cope with their anxiety and gain the ability to hang in there and work through tough situations.