Growing up without a father, or with a father who was abusive or indifferent, can create a dull ache that lasts a lifetime. While growing up and encountering different life circumstances can change the pain, it never really goes away even with family counseling. You know that it shouldn’t have been this way, yet you somehow can’t quite imagine what it would have been like otherwise. Being a good Dad when you didn’t have one is tough.
Now, on the verge of becoming a father—or a father already—the striking realization can occur that you’re endeavoring on one of the most important and most difficult journeys of your lifetime and have found yourself without a guide and without a path to follow.
There is much to be hopeful about, however. Just because you were at a paternal disadvantage is no reason that you are destined to be a bad father yourself. Rather, the hardships and pain that you’ve endured might be the very things that make you value and appreciate this role all the more. You, maybe more than most, will understand the role a father can play in his child’s life especially because you know what it is like not to have one.
Having a Negative Example of a Father is a Counter-Example
The scars and hurts you continue to bear can be valuable lessons of what not to do. Painful words can teach you want not to say, while absent praise can indicate words needing to be spoken.
Your own experience is a powerful indicator of the influence a loving father. The longings you had as a child—for a protector, a friend, a support, an ally—are the same longings your own child will have. The person you longed for is now the person you are called to be. You know this person well; he is the person you yearned for for all those years. You’ve practiced your whole life to be this person without even knowing it! You’re not without a path to follow; rather, the path to follow is the path you’ve been laying since your own childhood.
A practical rule to remember is to value presence over presents. Children and adults alike love things. We love gifts and toys and gadgets. Unfortunately, the older we get the more expensive they get. Ultimately, these prove a poor investment as the luster fades and we wind up wanting more. Instead, invest in experiences. Memories can last a lifetime—toys will not.
There is no replacement for your presence. Simply being present in your child’s life can cover a multitude of insufficiencies elsewhere. The mundanity of time spent together will build the foundation of your relationship. The simple evenings spent at home—dinner, games, talking—are collectively more important than the big events.
To press this even further, proximity is not the same as presence. Seek to be engaged with your child. If one or both of you are absorbed in TV, computers, tablets, phones, etc. it is not time well spent. This is not to say that you can’t create quality memories by playing video games with your child, but you must be intentional about it. Again, seek to create an experience together.
A Chance to Create Your Own Values
Not having a father, or possibly a positive family dynamic, can leave you free to create or identify your own family values. What are those things that are important to you? What morals or ethics do you hope to pass down to your children? Identifying these can help you begin to build a framework upon which you can add experiences and even create new family traditions that reinforce those life lessons you hope to instill. Was there a holiday that your family didn’t celebrate that you always wished they did? Was there a tradition that wasn’t a part of your family but that you knew of and always liked? This can be your opportunity to create, adopt and borrow to make your own family culture.
You will find that you continue to have questions and encounter unprecedented situations. Though you do not have a father to help illuminate the murky issues, you likely have friends, co-workers, or extended family who had fathers or who are now fathers themselves who will be happy to talk to you about their own experiences. You are likely to find that they are much less confident than you imagine them to be and you are much more able than you thought you were.
As you embark on this journey you will at times feel inadequate; this is normal. In fact, acknowledging and grappling with your own shortcomings is imperative as you push onward. If nothing else, seek to be forgiving and quick to extend grace. You will make mistakes as you go. You’ll lose your temper, say hurtful words, forget meaningful milestones, and more. As you do, model the values of forgiveness and grace. Ask your child for forgiveness when you need to, and when your child must ask forgiveness of you, be quick to extend grace. Strive to never miss an opportunity to be loving, graceful and forgiving to your child, for these are the interactions which are truly unforgettable.