In the United States, approximately one-third of all marriages result in a step-family or blended family of some sort. According to the US Census Bureau, 1300 new step-families are formed each day (The Step Family Foundation). Whether these families are comprised of a person with kids marrying someone without them (a step-family) or two people with children getting married (a blended family), creating a new family dynamic and building strong bonds comes with its share of challenges. If you are planning to form a step-family or blended family, these are some issues and strategies you will want to discuss with your partner, so you can create a happy home together.
Struggle: “You’re not my real mom!” Sorting out Discipline
A common problem for step-families or blended families is establishing boundaries regarding authority and discipline for non-biological parents. It is natural that a child may resist seeing a new step-parent as an authority figure, especially if they have conflicted or hurt feelings about their parents’ death or divorce. Additionally, the child’s biological parent(s) may have conflicted feelings about a step-parent taking on a disciplinarian role. Especially at first, it may be best for the step-parent to shy away from disciplining older children, leaving that role to the biological parent. Doing so, however, does not mean that the step-parent does not have authority at all. Discuss boundaries and respect with children, so that they understand that you have a parental role in their lives. Let them know that their parents’ rules are your rules and you expect them to behave. When they test your authority, respond patiently and generously, taking any serious issues to a conversation with between you, your partner, and the child.
Struggle: Managing Conflict
Expect conflict. Remember having a roommate you didn’t get along with in college? Now imagine that you were also expected to have a family relationship with that person. Differences in habits, preferences, and personalities are likely to happen. Talk with children about these conflicts and let them know that disagreements and frustration are part of the growing pains for your new family. Letting children feel how they feel can help lesson the tension, as they know that they are accepted for who they are. Reinforce, however, that conflict needs to be dealt with in a loving, respectful way. You are all on the same team and a happy home is the goal. Regular family meetings or a family constitution or mission statement that you write together can help children and parents come together and feel like they have some control in what may seem like an upheaval of their lives.
When discussing a conflict, using language that resists putting the blame on the other person can help keep things from escalating. Lead children through their conflicts using “I feel” language. For example, “I feel frustrated when my belongings are borrowed without permission.”
Struggle: Maintaining Family Traditions
Traditions are an important part of the life of a family, and they help children have a sense of self and community. As you build your new family, work to create new traditions that will create a family bond and a sense of your identity as a household. Children may resist these new traditions, however, if they feel like their old traditions are being replaced. Leave room for the traditions that they grew up with or are used to as well. Make it clear that the traditions of individual family units within a blended family are welcome and create space for the family units to celebrate these traditions together. Don’t forget about the children’s extended families, either. Keep an open door for loving relationships and the customs that come with them.
Struggle: Bonding with Resistant Family Members
Although keeping and setting a structure early on, and making changes gradually can help kids adjust more easily, there is no replacement for genuine bonding between new family members. Set the tone for this bonding between yourself and your step-kids and between children and each other by maintaining a calm, loving demeanor in your interactions. Lead with love, but keep it real. When appropriate, express how you are feeling about the changes, so that kids know that they can talk to you about their own feelings. If you can, learn the Love Language of each child and make time for one-on-one dates between each parent and each child. This quality time will help you get a feel for each other and what you have in common, setting the groundwork for a loving bond. Always remember not to trash-talk children’s families and to emphasize that you are not a replacement for their biological parent. It may be hard, but resist the urge to play favorites, too.
Creating a loving home with a step- or blended family can be a challenge, but with plenty of care, compassion, and patience, it can be done successfully, creating a network of support for you and your children.
If you want to build a stronger relationship with your family, we can help. Crosswind’s family coaching can help your family communicate and build stronger ties.