How can my teen be disrespectful, that is not how I taught him?
Having a disrespectful teen is a common struggle that parents face. The number one factor that will determine how they get through that struggle is you. It is your action, reaction, response or lack thereof that will strongly influence the subsequent behaviors.
You must first remember that you are the parent and they are the child and the responsibilities that come with each role. You must recognize that they may be emotionally flooded and first need your support and love to return to a normal baseline behavior. You must also wait to teach until your child is no longer emotionally flooded.
Often times the natural human response is to react with anger, frustration, or sarcasm when your child is disrespectful or acting out. Therapeutic Crisis Intervention by Cornell University states this initial reaction must be delayed while you ask yourself these 4 questions:
- What am I feeling?
- What does my child feel, need, or want?
- How is the environment affecting my child?
- How do I best respond?
This pause to ask yourself these questions (I would also suggest a quick prayer for patience and wisdom in handling the situation) will help you respond with what your child needs instead of how your emotions wants you to react.
At this point you can respond with love to help your child calm down. Appropriate responses according to Therapeutic Crisis Intervention are caring gestures, hurdle help (helping them through a task), proximity (give some space), redirection / distractions, or directive statements. Remember the goal is to help your child to return to their normal behavior so you can continue to teach.
Once your child is calm you can then teach more appropriate behaviors and actions. Your child will respond more appropriately since they saw you respond with love and not react with emotion. Give more positive attention to the positive behaviors that you see moving forward than you do negative attention to negative behaviors. Every one of their behaviors is a cry for a response. Every response you give them is a teaching moment.
Source: Therapeutic Crisis Intervention, College of Human Ecology Cornell University