Podcast Episode 15: Mediation & Counseling
Introduction:
Thanks for clicking on Conversations with Crosswinds Counseling. I’m Curtis Smith and I invite you to subscribe to our podcast and to like and share it as well. I hope you enjoy today’s episode.
Podcast #15:
Curtis: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Conversations with Crosswinds Counseling. I’m Curtis Smith your host. Today we’re joined by Lora Friedrich. Lora, thank you so much for being with us. Talking about something today, mediation, that is becoming more and more prevalent in Indiana. Tell me a little bit about what that looks like in the counseling space.
Lora: Sure. So, mediation – it grew out of sort of the change in how divorce happens in the 1970s and became more and more popular as sort of a non-aggressive way to problem solve in the 80s, and what’s happening more and more, we’re seeing in Indiana, is that more families are being asked to go to mediation to problem solve around custody and parenting time. And not everybody’s prepared to go to mediation, and it’s handled typically by attorneys. So, there is even still an element of some legalistic pieces.
Curtis: Yeah.
Lora: So being able to do it in the counseling space where you can really focus on win-win and empowering clients to be the problem solvers helps them sort of move forward and make decisions that don’t seem to be so, ‘I need my way,’ or so win-lose.
Curtis: So, this is you preparing them to get into that legal setting.
Lora: That’s what I have been doing more and more. Last year I was involved in six pretty nasty parenting time custody cases, and when people went to mediation they went thinking, ‘I’m going to ask for what I want,’ ‘I’m going to demand what I want because if this fails I can always go to court,’ and it sabotages the whole process because mediation is about win-win. It’s about those people being the problem solvers coming together and trying to figure out what’s best for the situation, then taking it to the court, and that becomes part of the court order as opposed to waiting to go to court, and then typically what happens is the default is Indiana guidelines, and that isn’t always the best fit for families.
Curtis: Yeah, how do you get people – that seems like such a – it seems like a long way to move someone. From, ‘I’m coming in with my own demands to get my own way. I am locked in on this,’ to get them to move over here to where they can see it as an opportunity to get a win and a win – and for everyone to come out a winner? How do you get someone to move that far off of their original position?
Lora: That’s the beauty of mediation is people get to tell their stories, and look at what the commonality is in the story. So, you move people away from thinking ‘This is what, this is what I have to have,’ or ‘This is what I want’ to being able to say here’s what’s the same in our stories. How do we work towards these things as the solution? And a lot of times when it’s parenting time, it’s, ‘How do we focus on what’s in the best interest of the kids?’ You know it fits perfectly with the Crosswinds sort of helping families thrive because divorce ends marriage. It doesn’t end families.
Curtis: Yeah, I was just thinking as you were saying that. The kids have to be a key piece because in a divorce situation it’s hard I imagine for most people to truly think about and care about the other’s position, but the kids, maybe is that unifying force that can bring them together. Right.
Lora: I think so. And you know, I hear people sort of, when they’re hurting focus on ‘my parenting time.’ One woman said, ‘Well, I had to take her to the dentist, so you owe me two hours,’ and you know it’s so much about the kids. It’s not about those two hours and mediation helps you think about what’s in the best [interest] of the kids. Where do they need to be? What works for school? Not, ‘but that’s my hours.’
Curtis: This doesn’t sound all that different from normal counseling, but I know that you are getting some specialized training. Tell me a little bit about what you’re doing to be prepared for this and to be better at this?
Lora: Part of the reason I asked to do the specialized training was I was involved in a parenting case, and it first went to court in February. It wasn’t decided until November because it got sent to mediation. There is such a backlog and there aren’t enough mediators. And, so, I came to my supervisor and said if more social workers were certified to do the process in Indiana we could move the process along further, and there needs to be more people just who are capable and trained to do it. And, so, in Indiana you have to have either an attorney or an advanced degree, and you have to do the certification training, and then you’re put on a registry, and the court can appoint you to do mediations for families.
Curtis: Wow, so that is just an amazing solution on your part. Right. That’s not only going to help families, that’s going to help the whole system. Are you hopeful that more and more counselors will be able to do this and that we truly can make a difference in the the nine and ten month gaps there that we’re seeing?
Lora: Yes.
Curtis: Yeah. That’s awesome.
Lora: Yeah, you know it also, I – my training is as a social worker. I have a master’s degree in social work, and it fits the social work tenets of culture so perfectly because it’s really about empowering clients to be their own problem solver. It’s about moving towards win-win. It’s about having people take responsibility and accountability for their behavior.
You asked how do I help move clients towards that. One thing I’ve said to people over and over is make [a] This Is What I Have To Have List and make a Gotcha List, and because oftentimes people walk in with their Gotcha List thinking, ‘I’ve got to have all these things,’ or, ‘I want to poke at somebody else,’ but that has to be off the table for mediation to work.
Curtis: So, you have them make a list – the list that they’re coming in thinking, ‘These are my main points. This is where I’m going to do most of my work. I’m going to get this list done.’ And you’re saying to them that’s the list you have to set aside.
Lora: The Gotcha List is the list you have to set aside.
Curtis: Wow. I mean that is a huge turn mentally, emotionally. Are most people able to make that shift?
Lora: Many people are able to make that shift. It’s also – the work, the work to do beforehand is then to go back to the ‘this is what I think is the perfect solution list’ and help people realize how many of that stuff could move to the gotcha list so that it can be off the table and that it really can be about solution focused and about win-win, and about making sure the environment’s healthier at the end of the process.
Curtis: Wow, this is amazing stuff. Lora thank you so much for sharing about it and letting us know about it. Mediation just another way that Crosswinds Counseling can be helping people and Lora is just one of the many amazing counselors here at Crosswinds Counseling. Lora thanks so much for being on conversations today. and thank you for joining us on the podcast. We will see you next time.
Outro:
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