The fine line of enabling verses supporting your child is very fuzzy and can be easy to cross when raising children. It is in our nature as parents to want to help our children. In the busyness of our lives, we often do things for them because it is easier, faster, and we get less push back. Supporting your child instead of enabling them, although more difficult, will result in a child who can make good choices and be interdependent with others (not independent or dependent, both of which are not healthy in relationships). Often it feels easier to be your child’s friend instead of a disciplinarian; however, when we choose to be friends, our children do not learn the consequences of their choices or how to make better ones in the future.
Are You Enabling Your Child?
So what are some common ways parents enable their children these days? Here are frequent ones I hear from parents and children when I work with families in counseling:
- Doing homework for the child.
- Allowing the child to skip school if work is not done.
- Not setting expectations regarding being on time to school/class.
- Blaming teachers for their child’s poor academic performance or inappropriate behavior at school.
- Not setting clear expectations of chores to be done as a member of the family, or having chores but doing them for the child without consequences.
- Not setting boundaries on social media or internet use, which we know negatively impacts social skill development.
7 Questions to Ask Yourself
What are some signs you can look for that might indicate you are enabling your child? Ask yourself these questions. Do you:
- Regularly make excuses for your child’s behavior?
- Regularly put your own needs second? (this can be more normal with infants and high needs children)
- Lie for your child?
- Do for your child what he/she could be doing for him/herself?
- Not address if your child is drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana, using substances?
- Make most of the choices in your child’s life?
- Find it difficult to set clear boundaries and follow through with consequences?
- Prevent your child from failing?
How to Stop Enabling Your Child
I encourage you to ask yourself these tough questions, and if the answer is yes for several or many of these, it may be time to seek some parenting support (coaching or counseling). I encourage you to teach your child to fish, as opposed to fishing for them, so they can become all that God has created them to be.