Podcast Episode 30: Helping Women See Their Value
Introduction:
Thanks for clicking on Conversations with Crosswinds Counseling. I’m Curtis Smith and I invite you to subscribe to our podcast and to like and share it as well. I hope you enjoy today’s episode.
Podcast #30:
Curtis: Hello everyone. Welcome to Conversations with Crosswinds Counseling. I’m Curtis Smith, your host. And we’re with Lynn Albin today, one of the wonderful counselors at Crosswinds Counseling in Indianapolis. Lynn thank you for being here today.
Lynn: Sure.
Curtis: We’re talking about something that I know you’re passionate about, helping women to see their value.
Lynn: Yes.
Curtis: I assume in counseling circumstances and situations that you run into this a lot, where women don’t assign themselves the proper value. Tell me about the issue, the problem if you will that you often see in counseling.
Lynn: Well women who end up coming to counseling, in general, have listened to external messages all their life, and they haven’t really developed an internal value, and so they just want to please people. They want to be what others want them to be. They try to be good enough. They try – because they end up feeling like they’re not good enough. They end up feeling, ‘I’m not doing what I need to be doing,’ or, ‘I’m not enough,’ and these kind of internal messages create a lot of negative self-talk, and that just kind of spirals into, ‘well, I must be a bad person,’ or, ‘ I must be unloveable,’ or you know or ‘who can love me because I can’t make anybody happy?’
Curtis: I assume a lot of those thoughts are not exclusive to women.
Lynn: No.
Curtis: But it does, it seems like that might be something, a trap, that more women fall into than men. Why would that be? Why is that?
Lynn: I think for more than one reason. I think women are very relational. You know. We’re ones that give birth to children. We’re very maternal and have all that nurturing instinct within.
Curtis: Yeah.
Lynn: And so we seek relationships. We seek to have a unity and a happy home kind of thing, but with messages that we get from as early as our parents. How do we see our parents interact? And even very young children absorb everything they hear and see, and so if their mother was treated disrespectfully, abused, yelled at, considered second-class to the husband, anything along those lines is – girls grow up thinking, ‘well that’s ok because that’s normal.’ And so then they go into life later thinking, ‘Well, if this guy abuses me, it’s ok because it’s normal.’
Curtis: So just kind of a slippery slope, isn’t it?
Lynn: Very.
Curtis: And it is more predominent I think for women. So, when women come in and you see the impact of that, or they’re even expressing it to you just straight out, what do you to women? If anyone’s watching right now, and they’re having those thoughts, having those feelings, having those struggles, what are some tips? What are some guidelines you could give them to help get out of that mentality and out of that cycle?
Lynn: Unfortunately, a lot of women who are in relationships that are manipulated and controlled by men tend to not seek help. They’re given messages that they’re not good enough, they’ll never amount to anything, and they aren’t anybody without this other person. And so, then they have very low self-esteem, and they think that their partner is right. And honestly, if you’re in that kind of a situation, I would highly recommend, there are places, that are shelters for women who experience domestic violence, and if you don’t have it that bad, but still you feel very emotionally controlled, and controlled in other ways, seek therapy. You know this is not something you’re going to be able to figure out all by yourself. You’ve gotten into it with the help of another person, and you’re going to need the help of another person to get out of it.
Curtis: You know Crosswinds Counseling is a Christian organization, and when it’s welcomed and invited in, Christianity is brought into counseling.
Lynn: Yes.
Curtis: And God’s view of women is that He loves women. Values women. He created men and women unique, but He created them to be equal parts of a partnership.
Lynn: Yes.
Curtis: When you’re able to bring the faith component into this conversation with women, what does that change for them? How does it help that conversation? How does it help them get healthier?
Lynn: So, sometimes, when they are already believers they might think that the Bible says certain things, you know uh that men do tend to use, unfortunately, but that you know women are supposed to you know be whatever their husband needs them to be, and so the man is in charge and all of this kind of thing. But honestly if you go through the Proverbs 31, and how it talks about women, it says that woman is very strong. Women are you know the backbone of their family, and they do so much, and raise the children, and provide what not only they need, but what their children need, and so it’s really – it’s kind of easy when they want to learn about what a Biblical woman is, because there’s a lot of biblical support for that. But they also, you know, have to deal with a partner who may think otherwise, and may say, ‘Well. you know men are in charge,’ or whatever, but it turns into a controlling situation. But women are not meant to be slaves to their husbands.
Curtis: Right:
Lynn: They’re meant to be partners.
Curtis: Yeah.
Lynn: And I talk about partnership and marriage all the time.
Curtis: Is that a concept that is foreign to many of the couples that you [see]?
Lynn: A lot of people, yeah, because a lot of people, and especially in this day and age, where it’s like all about me. Right. ‘What can this person do to make me happy?’ ‘Oh, I’m going to marry this person because they make me so happy.’ It’s kind of backwards from a Biblical concept because you go into marriage with a person that you truly do love, and you want them to be happy, and so you seek that other person’s happiness. And if you’re both doing that, if you are seeking the other person’s happiness, you’re both going to be happy because that person will be seeking to make you happy as well. And so, it’s just knowing your partner. Fetting to know them very well. Having a lot of really good communication with each other. And that just doesn’t hardly happen. I mean, yes, there are plenty of good marriages out there, but most everyone that comes in to see me, communication is a big issue. So I think that’s kind of at the root.
Curtis: What tips would you have for men? How can we as men play a role in valuing the women in our life? There’s obvious stuff.
Lynn: Sure.
Curtis: Don’t be abusive. That’s feels like it should almost go without saying.
Lynn: Absolutely.
Curtis: That is obvious, but the way I interact with co-workers or uh just women who I meet all the time, outside of my wife, or a daughter, or a sister, but certainly at those relationship levels, what should I be thinking about? What should I be aware of as a man to help build up and empower the women in my life? Or even women I just meet rather than fostering and playing a role in this mentality that can be so destructive?
Lynn: I think it would be really important to not continue the messages that place women in a lower category of respect than men. And so there’s nothing wrong with being a gentleman, opening doors, stuff like that, that in itself shows women that you are respectful of them, but you know that doesn’t happen a lot. And at work not putting people down, or not considering you know their opinion to be valuable, that kind of thing. And then of course, at home, it’s about having a united front with your wife. You know there are parents, and there are children. And so children who know that their parents have a strong bond, and that they don’t fight and argue unreasonably – there’s always disagreements, that’s life, but you know being respectful toward your wife, and showing that example to your kids so that boys grow up seeing, ‘Hey, my dad respects my mom,’ and, ‘My dad has talked to me about how to respect women, and so I need to respect women.’ And girls grow up and say, ‘You know my dad supports my mom, and my mom is happy, and she supports him, and, but you know, she’s not a slave, they’re partners. They make decisions together. They do things together. They have shared responsibilities at home.’
Curtis: Great tips Lynn, and a really important topic that I think is probably still more prevalent in the world than I realize, than maybe a lot of us realize. And, so, if you are a woman out there struggling with this and looking for a counselor to talk to, Crosswinds Counseling is a great resource for you. If you’re a couple who needs help in learning how to communicate in a healthier, more productive fashion, Crosswinds Counseling is here for you as well. Lynn is one of the fabulous counselors that Crosswinds has, and we urge you to get connected with them. Lynn, thank you so much for being with us today.
Lynn: You’re welcome.
Curtis: And thank you for being with us today on Conversations with Crosswinds Counseling. We’ll see you next time.
Outro:
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