How to Deal with your Teenage Daughter’s Pregnancy
I am convinced being a parent, and parenting teens specifically, is one of the hardest roles a person can play. I know there are other things more difficult and life-threatening (being a soldier in the military comes to mind), but I feel that parenting can often feel like seeing a train-wreck about to occur and being powerless to stop it. I imagine this to be how I would feel if my daughter (who is so little right now) told me as a teenager that she was pregnant. Teen pregnancy parenting advice is, unfortunately, not always available from reliable and experienced sources.
What is the best way to respond, you may ask? I say don’t right away. Pause. Gather your thoughts. Get your emotions in check. Put yourself in her shoes real quick and imagine the feelings she must be experiencing … fear, anxiety, embarrassment, uncertainty. Take a deep breath and …. okay, now open your mouth. Speak calmly and with a steady voice. Let your daughter know first of all that you love her. Draw her in for a hug. Ask her how she is handling the news, and to identify what feelings she is experiencing (you know that you are experiencing several, so she most certainly is as well!). Take the time to listen to her, and reassure her that she will get through this. Then, after the emotions of this news has had a chance to subside, schedule another time in the next day or so to sit down and talk with her about the facts and logistics of the situation. At that meeting, you might cover such items as:
- What methods did she use to confirm her pregnancy (Did she take a pregnancy test? How many? What other signs/symptoms is she experiencing?)
- When does she think she became pregnant? (If she doesn’t know, please don’t act shocked!)
- Has she sought any medical care?
- Get that first doctor’s appointment scheduled, to confirm the situation.
After confirming that your daughter is indeed pregnant, then I would suggest the following:
- Discussing options the daughter has with the pregnancy (raising the child, offering the child for adoption)
- Confirming the alleged father of the child, and then arranging to talk with him and his parents.
- Discussing what impact this will have on your daughter’s schooling, sports, job, and extracurricular activities.
- Sharing the news with the rest of the family (i.e. siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, close friends, church family)
- If the daughter is going to raise the child in her (your) home, what are the boundaries? Clearly outline what role you, as a grandparent, will take and what she, as the parent, will be responsible for.
- Start looking at making sure custody is properly established and that both parents are able to take an active role in the child’s life.
Then, start remembering what your daughter was like as a baby. Be reminded of the delight that came with experiencing those “firsts” of having a baby … the first smile, first giggle, first sloppy kiss, first snuggle, first sounds …. and thank God for the blessing and joy that will surely be experienced through this new little life.
Our in-home family counseling staff is always here to help you through difficult situations. Contact us if you feel this might be a good solution for what your family or teen is struggling through.