My Teenager Hates Me
“I hate you”, is one of the most hurtful things a person can hear. To hear it from your child—someone you’ve cared for, sacrificed for and loved—can be crushing. It’s normal to feel wounded after such an encounter, even if you know your child didn’t really mean it. While the words may have been hollow, or just temporary anger from an out of control teenager, the pain can still be very real.
It is not uncommon for children (and rebellious teens especially) to utter these words to a parent at some point. Before responding, it is important to remember that all behavior has meaning. Everything we do, we do for a reason. Sometimes our reasons are rational, sometimes they are irrational; regardless, they do not occur in a vacuum. In light of this, it may be helpful to think of behavior as a symptom. We must be careful to not only address the symptom (behavior) but also its cause (thoughts & feelings). It is the difficult job of the adult to navigate and connect the dots of thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Below are four common scenarios where a child might tell a parent, “I hate you.” These situations are general and will not cover the complexity of life. They are meant only as guides and as illustrations of how the same behavior—saying I hate you—can be rooted in very different reasons. As such, it is important to treat the scenarios differently based on the cause of the behavior and not based on the behavior itself.
- Some children will say I hate you to a parent simply to test boundaries—pushing, little by little, to see how far they can go. Just as children will test rule boundaries by playing video games a little later than they were told, or physical boundaries by straying too far on the playground or grocery store, they will also test emotional boundaries.Children are naturally curious. We see this with the unending questions of why, Why, WHY? They are also natural experimenters, “What happens if…?” In addition to science experiments, children conduct social and emotional experiments. A child may know that she shouldn’t say I hate you to someone—especially a parent—but this knowledge of shouldn’t is not the same as why I shouldn’t. In this scenario, the child is saying a hurtful thing out of ignorance.The appropriate response to ignorance is education; a punishment in this case would be inappropriate. The child should be taught the seriousness of hate—that it means more than just “I’m mad at you.” The child should learn the social and relational implications of hate and that, depending on your family culture, this is a word that we do not use.
- It is important to remember that in the midst of a crisis, a child or teenager can quickly become emotionally flooded and run out of appropriate coping skills (yes, this happens to adults too). In these circumstances it is common to turn to the tool that is easiest to wield – hurtful comments.In this situation, it is futile to attempt to address the behavior in the middle of the crisis. Rather, the best course is to revisit the comment at a later time when tempers have calmed and emotions have drained. If possible, it will be to your benefit to separate the comment from the focus of the argument. The discussion of the comment should center on the seriousness of the offense, the relational damage it can cause and the inappropriateness of the invective.In future situations, it will be incumbent on the adult to be aware of emotional triggers and agitated behaviors demonstrated by the child. As you see the child showing signs of reaching his emotional limit – balled fists, heavy breathing, reddening face, raised voice – act first to institute a time-out. This is not a punishment for him; it’s time away for both of you (he can do fun things during this time). After 5, 10, 20 or 30 minutes you will both be better equipped to resume the discussion. Over time, your goal will be to make it through a difficult talk without needing a time-out. When this happens, acknowledge and celebrate the accomplishment.
- For an older teen, this statement may be more of an assertion of independence than an accurate representation of feelings. Notoriously, that time of life between childhood and adulthood can be pretty sticky.Like the situation above, it will be helpful to wait or take a break before addressing the hurtful words. This can be a great opportunity to treat the teen like an adult. In the adult world, when there is a difference of opinion, we use dialogue to explore the situation. Start by asking questions, lots of them. Resist the urge to correct or contradict; this is just a time to listen. Try to hear beyond the words the teen is saying; listen for the thoughts and feelings—these will be implicit, not stated obviously.When you believe that you understand the thoughts and feelings behind the behavior, start by summarizing what you heard the teen say. As you go, try to draw connections between the thoughts and feelings and the behavior.In this instance, your teen is verging on adulthood. It is not out of place to speak frankly. Let your teen know that what they said was hurtful, not in the abstract, but that it was hurtful to you, personally. Children can forget (and some take a long time to learn) that their parents are people too—real people with emotions. This is an opportune time to reaffirm your love for the child as well as drawing a dividing line between disagreeing and disrespect.Lastly, for a teenager coming of age, there is great value in learning that there are some things you just can’t take back—this is especially true with the permanence of the internet. Children are easily forgiven for childish behavior. This same latitude fades as one enters adulthood. Mistakes, misdeeds, and misspeakings can have an effect that is vastly disproportionate to their intention. Those three little words, I hate you, can last a lifetime.
- For a child who has suffered the loss of a loved one—through death, divorce, separation or even a break-up—an ‘I hate you’ can be a self-defense mechanism. Rather than suffer the hurt and pain of losing someone they love, instead, the child is acting preemptively to push away that loved one before the loved one can hurt them. This has an additional benefit of the child feeling in control of the situation.Again, we look to the root of the behavior. Certainly, in this case, the child does not hate the parent. In fact, it is precisely because the opposite is true that the child is behaving this way. The child is fearful of the vulnerable position that caring for another adult has placed him in and is reacting against it.There is no quick fix in situations like this. Unfortunately, children in this state have been hurt before and will not be quick to trust or change. Further, words of affirmation, while still important, will not be nearly enough to overcome the child’s fears. Rather, it will be the loving response and long-suffering of the parent which stands the best chance for overcoming the child’s hurt. The more that the parent can show steady, dependable love—especially in the face of the child’s attempts to hurt them and push them away—the more the child will grow to trust and believe the parent.
Beyond these specific situations, there are general actions that will be helpful or not, regardless of your exact circumstances. We’ll start with what not to do: don’t get drawn in. When someone attacks or hurts us there is an instinctive impulse to respond, to fire back. You must fight this urge. The things we say when we’re angry are seldom, if ever, the right things to say. If you are able to continue the conversation while effectively ignoring the comment (for now) you may continue. Chances are, however, that at this point one or both of you are sufficiently frustrated that time away would be helpful.
Obviously, you should never say, “I hate you too”. But, even lesser comments like, “I hate you too sometimes”, “I don’t like you right now either”, “Good, that means I’m doing something right” are not generally helpful. These comments are passive aggressive and, while they may feel good to fire back, will not help you achieve your overall goal. Silence is better than sarcasm.
Another not-to-do is nothing; don’t do nothing. If you simply decide that it’s water under the bridge or that they didn’t really mean it and allow the behavior to go unaddressed you are likely ensuring a repeat of that same behavior. The issue here is addressing the behavior, not necessarily punishing the behavior. Even simply saying that’s not okay is better than no response at all. When unwanted behavior goes unaddressed it resets the bar for acceptable behavior.
The following general approaches will always be helpful. Seek to learn and understand your child’s perspective. There will never be a downside to talking with your child about how he or she views the world, him or herself, family relationships, friends, etc. This exercise will not only help you to know your child but will also reinforce the caring and attentive relationship that you seek to foster with your child. The easiest way to do this is simply to ask questions, listen, resist the temptation to interject, and listen some more.
Being honest and open with your child will also aid in the discussion of the transgression. This approach can and will lead to uncomfortable vulnerability. However, this is just the thing that you will want to model for your child. It is your hope that they will be honest with you and will invite you into their world. Part of encouraging this difficult act is to be an example of it when you have the opportunity. This is part of building mutual trust and respect.
Another aspect of modeling the behavior we wish to see is seeking forgiveness. Adults—even great parents—can lose their tempers sometimes. While you may not have told your child that you hate her, be honest with yourself and consider if you may have also said something that was inappropriate. If so, before you broach the topic of your child telling you that she hates you, you should ask your child to forgive you for your own mistake. Again, this is where you become vulnerable and model the same humility you wish to see in your child.
Lastly, be willing to forgive your child—even if he or she doesn’t ask for it. It is important that your child know that a momentary transgression doesn’t have to leave a permanent divide. After all, it is not justice that you seek, but reconciliation.