Trust is a Powerful Asset
By Harold Graham, Chaplain
Trust, is indeed, the foundation in any relationship; marriage, parent/child, friendship, work associate, or any of the many ways we relate to each other. It is possible to love someone deeply and yet, not trust them. It is also possible to trust somebody deeply without loving that person.
Consider the results of deep betrayal within a relationship, marriage for instance, trust is damaged if not altogether destroyed. You still love that person but the trust aspect has been changed. It takes time and hard work to restore trust, and that trust may not be the same type of trust once it has been reestablished. That does not mean that it can’t be better, but often it is different.
Trust Comes in Many Forms
Think for a moment about a relationship you have experienced where there is no love but trust is present without reservation. This happens often in the professional realm. We get on airplanes to go where we need or want to go, without ever meeting the pilot or co-pilot. We go to the doctor for many reasons and submit ourselves to their expertise and do so because we trust them, and we must confess we do not love these people at all on a personal level. We trust that their training and experience in their field of expertise is sufficient for our needs.
However, where love is present, the pain of failed trust goes much deeper, in all of the parties involved. Deep regret and shame/guilt feelings are common to the one who failed in their ability to be trusted. While the one who was trusting, the pain of betrayal, the following sense of disconnectedness that come naturally from expectation of repeated violation contribute to a feeling of being alone. The thought of, “How could they do that to me?!” goes through the mind repeatedly. If left alone and a “Time heals all wounds” approach is used, then these symptoms only intensify over time. The process of intensification must be interrupted if further damage is to be avoided.
Violating Trust Damages Relationships
Direct confrontation of the issues is what often interrupts this intensification process. But the need for safety within that process is vital for success. If the parent has violated the trust of the child/teen, then it falls on that parent to cross that bridge and begin to establish a basis for trust. It starts with an honest evaluation of the exact nature of the trust damaging event followed by a discussion of the behavior, along with taking personal responsibility for that behavior. This then is followed by a heartfelt apology and a request for forgiveness. The parent cannot demand forgiveness or even expect it from someone who may not be mature enough to go to this level.
In many apologies, a reason for the offense is often given. When I explain why I did something to hurt you, I really am attempting to get you to understand and therefore agree that in some small part I had some valid reason to hurt you. This never rebuilds trust, it only drives a deeper wedge, unnoticed at first but it builds as time goes on. But when an apology comes that admits the wrong, acknowledges the damage done to the relationship, takes full responsibility for the act and communicates the pain in the parent’s heart, healing of the relationship can begin and trust then can begin to grow.
Rebuilding Trust Takes Consistency
Trust is built with being consistent in how we behave over time. If the teen needs to discuss your wrongdoing again, by all means do so. It may mean a repeat of the apology and a communication of a desire to get past the issue. But there comes a time when the question of; “Just who is the parent, who is the adult?” is what is needed to get over the apology hurdle. The parent must be able admit being wrong. The tendency to see admission of wrongdoing as weakness must be abandoned, your child’s recovery of trust demands it! When we see real brokenness over an event or series of events, we can then begin to establish trust once more. Without brokenness, trust is put on hold.
There are two types of trust; earned trust through consistent behaviors and trust on credit. At first, following a break in trust and an apology session(s), trust on credit is given if the person is mature. Children and younger teens deeply desire to trust, their entire need for their sense of security is the driving force for this. Extra care is necessary to avoid repeated trust violations during this trust on credit phase. Remember distrust is also earned through consistent behaviors. To violate trust on credit is much like defaulting on a loan! The good news is that trust on credit grows into earned trust.
Guidelines for Rebuilding Trust
- Set a time for a face to face meeting and let them know in advance that it is for apologizing for breaking their trust.
- Sit face to face with your head at the same level as theirs, if possible.
- Name the offense, assume responsibility for it, acknowledge the damage to the relationship, and the pain in them that you have observed, extend a sincere apology and then ask for forgiveness, do not demand it.
- Establish a clear set of guidelines for avoiding future offenses of this nature.
- Repeat as often as necessary.