Your teen daughter will thank you someday.
The constant parent versus daughter clothing battle is tough…for both sides. Trust me, I was somebody’s teen daughter once and know what it’s like to feel “misunderstood” by parents, who I was convinced wouldn’t be happy unless I left the house every day in a full turtleneck and sweatpants. (Ok maybe that’s an exaggeration, but teen girls can be pretty dramatic, too). But you know what parents? As cliché as it sounds, I am now SO thankful that my parents fought that battle with me. And although I don’t know your daughter, I can almost guarantee that someday, even if it’s five, ten, or fifteen years from now, your daughter will say the same.
How Do You Effectively Teach the Values of Modesty to Your Daughter?
Just how DO you fight that battle with a daughter whose sole goal seems to be getting male attention…any and all male attention…she can? Although every family is different, in my personal experience and in my conversations with countless other young women and parents, there are a few methods that seem to make a lasting difference across the board.
1. Set specific family modesty standards
Set them early and stick to them. If all your daughter knows is that you want her to “dress modestly,” it’s easy for lines to be blurred or for her to feel like it will be impossible for her to live up to your modesty standards, and she may subsequently give up. Spend some time talking with your spouse about modesty standards you both agree on and then communicate them clearly to your daughter. Although there are certain modesty standards that it’s safe to say are pretty universal (i.e. no cleavage, no dresses that could pass for a long shirt), when it comes to the “gray areas,” each family will have to prayerfully consider what their modesty standard will be. For example, I know some families that did not allow skirts or dresses above the knee. My parents had “finger-length” rule for skirts and shorts. If a dress, skirt, or pair of shorts did not reach WELL past the tips of my fingers when I put my arms down, it was unacceptable. And there was no negotiation. Whatever the rule is, once it is set, it’s important to never make exceptions or the rule will not be taken seriously.
2. Tell your daughter she is beautiful
Don’t underestimate your role as parents—especially dads—to increase your daughter’s self-esteem by telling her how beautiful she is. Teen girls will have enough insecurity on their own, and as much they may seem to not care about what you think, a father’s approval is crucial to a girl’s self-image. Although stressing inward beauty over outward should be the priority, complimenting your daughter on a specific physical characteristic such as her eyes, hair, or even a specific (modest) outfit can really boost her self-esteem and self-image during an insecure time.
3. Model modesty in your own wardrobe
This may seem like a “well duh” point, but it could be harder than it sounds. As an adult woman, it can be easier to bend the modesty rules for ourselves . But if your 13-year-old sees you walking out the door for date night—even if it’s with your husband— in a dress that breaks the modesty rules you’ve set for her, you lose credibility and may have a harder time winning the next modesty battle with her. It’s easy to forget that as mature adult women, we can be a stumbling block for other men and still need to dress in a way that glorifies God. So whatever modesty rules you set for your children, be willing to follow them yourself, for the sake of holding them and yourself accountable.
4. Know and explain your motives for modesty
What will you say when your daughter asks you why modesty matters? There are many different answers you can give, but here’s a few to consider. First and foremost, God calls us to modesty and purity. 1 Timothy 2:9-10 says, “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” Now obviously this isn’t God’s way of telling us that we need to stick to ponytails and silver jewelry, but it is pretty clear about the importance of modesty in our role as Christian women. Secondly, how a girl dresses will determine the kind of guys she attracts. Your daughter may think she wants any kind of attention, but does she really want it from the guy looking for as much as he can get, as fast as he can get it from any girl at all? To those kind of guys, it doesn’t matter who a girl is, or even how beautiful she is, as long as he can use her for what he wants. A quick word to teen girls…rejection hurts. A lot. And although dressing modestly doesn’t guarantee safety from it, dressing to attract the guys that are interested in “one night stands” and “hook ups” will almost always end in rejection and feelings of worthlessness when you realize he was only after what your clothing barely covered.
5. Pray for your daughter daily
When it comes to your daughter’s modesty, purity, and wisdom in making good choices, don’t underestimate the power of prayer! I firmly believe the prayers of my parents, grandparents, and many others helped keep me from making some bad decisions that would have had serious consequences. Will prayer make your daughter perfect? Of course not. But if earthly parents want purity for their daughter, how much more does our Father in Heaven want it for ALL of his daughters? So give your daughter all the prayer cover you can—God’s in your corner when it comes to modesty!